LotR Au Fic (Mpreg) -- 4 of 4
Apr. 30th, 2009 03:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
la_samtyrSerious, major angst ahead.
*****
That evening, Erestor takes up his vigil inside the healing room assigned to Legolas. Sitting at the small table, he has nearly finished transcribing the Sindarin stories and songs when he hears the youth awakening from an uneasy sleep.
“Erestor?”
The Imladris advisor crosses the room and is standing beside him. He notices that the Sindar prince is sitting up now and clearly restless.
“I was wondering if you could find the book from Doriath you mentioned once. I would like to read it.”
“I do not think I can find it, ernil.” Erestor sighs, for he knows the request to be erroneous and that there is no such book in Elrond's vast library. He does not refuse outright because he knows that Legolas' time is very short now and this is the Sinda's way of requesting privacy. Yet he feels he would be remiss if he did not make a token protest. “Perhaps in the morning, Melpomaen can search for it.”
“I would like to read it now, please.” Legolas stares tiredly at the dark-haired advisor. “I can wait no longer.”
“Very well, ernil. As you wish.” Erestor stands and pauses for a moment before opening the large glass doors. “The night is particularly warm and fine, and the stars are very bright. Perhaps a little fresh air would help you to rest. ”
“Perhaps.” Legolas' quiet voice is calm and oddly commanding.
Erestor leaves and does not look back.
Legolas waits for Erestor to leave the room and then slowly slides out of bed, breathing hard as he catches his balance. He is much weaker this time, but he has saved enough strength to make his way to the terrace and down the steps to the small garden area. Legolas pauses for a moment to catch his breath and makes his way to the great mallorn that dominates the gardens.
As he slowly lowers himself to the ground, bracing himself against the trunk, the golden leaves rustle softly in greeting, though there is no breeze. The other trees join in and soon all of the trees in Imladris are at last able to greet their kinsman. Legolas smiles and sings softly to them as they slowly part their branches so he can enjoy the starlight on his face.
I ngîl cennin erthiel
Ne menel aduial,
Ha glingant be vîr
Síliel moe.
I ngîl cennin firiel
Ne menel aduial,
And-dûr naun i fuin a galad firn
Naegril moe.
An i natha
An i naun ului
A chuil, ann-cuiannen
Am meleth, perónen.
*****
Gîlríon wakes suddenly and sits up, rubbing his eyes. He misses Ada Legolas and doesn't understand why he does not come to live with him and atto in their large suite. There is plenty of room, he thinks, and decides to go to his ada. It will be daybreak soon. Quickly he pulls on a robe and slippers, hurrying to the healing wing. But as he enters the room and peers around the curtain, he sees that his ada is not there.
Noticing the open door, Gîlríon slips quietly outside to look for his ada in the garden. Within moments, the elfling has tracked his ada to the great mallorn and sees that he is taking a nap.
“Ada? Wake up, ada.” Gîlríon leans down to shake his ada's shoulder when he notices how still and quiet his ada is. Sadly, Gîlríon sits on the ground beside his ada, resting his small head on the thin shoulder, tears slipping down his face.
Glorfindel wakes and instantly notices that Gîlríon is no longer in his cot. He hurriedly throws on a robe to go in search of him but he already knows where the elfling will be found.
“Ada is gone, atto.” Gîlríon looks up sadly.
“No, he is only asleep, Gîlríon.” Glorfindel kneels beside his son, stroking his tousled curls. “He only sleeps, ion nin.”
“No, atto. You know better.” The distressed look that Gîlríon gives his sire is curiously adult. “We both know that he is with Lord Mandos now.”
“Come away, my Gîl. We will tell Lord Elrond of this.”
“No, atto.” Gîlríon shakes his head decisively. “I will stay here. It is not right for ada to be alone now.”
Glorfindel stands quietly as his son's voice rises in song:
A Bereth thar Ennui Aeair!
Calad ammen i reniar
Mi 'aladhremmin ennorath.
A Elbereth Gilthoniel
I chin a thûl lín míriel...
*****
“Ada?”
Legolas raised his head. He was so tired... but Gîlríon must need him.
“Ion nin?”
“Hannon le, ada.”
Legolas looked up at the strange, tall elf with mithril-colored hair standing in front of him.
“I am sorry. I thought that I heard my ion calling for me.”
“You heard correctly, ada for I too, am your ion. I am Luinilassë, ada.”
“Luinilassë?” Legolas looked at him in bewilderment.
“Yes, ada.” He reached and pulled Legolas to his feet. Legolas was surprised that he stood so easily, without any pain or unsteadiness. As he looked deeply into the elf's violet-blue eyes, he slowly began to understand.
“Come with me, ada. We will rest in Estë's garden for a time.”
Legolas turned slightly, but the strong arm around his shoulder prevented him.
“No, ada. 'Tis better this way.”
“But Gîlríon ... he needs me.”
“He has your love, ada. It is more than enough for him.”
“But he is just a baby.” Legolas' eyes filled with tears and he began to shake with the effort to stop from crying. “He is too young – he will not remember.”
“My big brother will always remember you, ada. He will never forget you.”
“How can you be so certain of this?” Legolas slowly looked up, only to see that they were entering a quiet, beautiful garden and he marveled that they had been able to come so far so quickly. It was as if they had merely stepped through a gate...
“You live in his heart, ada.” Luinilassë smiled as he guided his adar to a nearby bench. “Here, sit down and rest. I know how tired you are.”
“It is very restful here, Luinilassë.” Legolas looked around curiously. It was so beautiful and quiet that Legolas knew he should be wholly at ease, yet he found that he could not seem to relax.
“But you miss Gîlríon,” his other son replied. “Why do you fight this, ada? Is it so unpleasant? In time, you will be able to see your naneth, and your brother and your grandsire as well. Don't you want to see them at last?”
“Well, yes.” Legolas frowned slightly, knowing how ungrateful he sounded and feeling ashamed of himself. “I am sorry, ion nin.”
“But you want to go back, don't you ada?” Luinilassë asked kindly.
“Yes,” Legolas replied, hanging his head low. “I know it is wrong of me, but it is so hard to let go.”
“Ada.” A strong hand gripped his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “I cannot say that I understand, for I do not. But your unhappiness is distressing to me.”
“I am sorry,” Legolas replied. “I will try to do better from now on.”
“Look at me, ada.”
Legolas looked up at his tall son, wondering what would happen now.
“You do not need to apologize, ada. You have done nothing wrong.” Luinilassë smiled gently and embraced him. “You cannot help how you feel.”
Legolas felt as if he were the child in the presence of his son. Luinilassë seemed to embody the best of all Eldar, and Legolas wondered how this could be, when he himself was so flawed.
“You are too hard in judging yourself, ada.”
“He misses me though; I can hear him crying.” Legolas' own eyes are filling with tears as he senses the pain of his little son.
“I know, ada. I know.” Luinilassë holds his ada tightly in an attempt to comfort him, but it seems that there is no comfort to be found for the Sindar prince. Sighing, Luinilassë strokes the soft blonde hair and reluctantly makes a decision. “Ada, is it truly so hard for you to accept? Do you wish to go back?”
“But I can't go back. It's not permitted.”
“You have not fully entered this realm, ada. You are still partly in Arda.”
“I am?” For the first time, Legolas looks at his second son with something akin to hope in his eyes. “Is this true?”
“Yes, ada.” Luinilassë studies his ada's hopeful expression. “There is still some very little time for you to return but things will not be the same.”
“Such as?” Despite his efforts to be calm, Legolas is curious now. “What will be different?”
“You will never be truly well again, ada. Your body is far too damaged for complete recovery to be possible. Your life must be a very quiet one of celibacy and contemplation.”
“Do you mean I will be crippled then?” The blue eyes darken with worry. “I would be nothing but a burden to the others if that is true.”
“No, ada. You will be able to move normally, within certain limits. But it will always be with great effort and much pain.” Luinilassë studied his ada's face carefully. “The idea of enforced celibacy does not bother you then?”
“Why should it?” Legolas pauses and considers this, then shrugs. He has never made any decisions regarding his sexuality; it is always been decided for him by the others and their whims. Although he has learned how to find pleasure from their touch, he can never been sure if he truly enjoyed it.
“What use will I be to anyone then?” For the first time Legolas looks concerned. “I have very little education and even if I did, Imladris has no need of a second Erestor.”
“Ada, you have always underestimated your true worth; believe me, you are well-loved by many.”
“Loved? Yes, by Gîlríon perhaps.” Legolas slumps down on the bench. “But I know what my place is and what my worth is -- I know it well -- and love has nothing to do with it.”
“Ada.” Legolas feels his son's strong arms embracing him and he turns to breathe in the clean scent of his hair. “Stay here, ada. Please. Stay with me. I need you too, ada.”
“Perhaps.” Legolas sighs, hoping he will make the right decision this time. “Perhaps.”
~~~~~
Vocabulary:
laiska (Finnish): lazy
kilmessë (Quenya): self-name (or “nickname”)
roch neth : colt
pen neth : young one
ernil : prince
“Meleth Naegra” (literally: Love causes pain) : “Love Hurts”
Name:
Luinil: name of a star (one shining with a blue light) placed in the sky by Varda. [[Luinilassë]]
Author's Notes:
1) This 'rainbow' obsidian does occur. Although obsidian is more commonly used in Mesoamerican cultures, there are obsidian deposits in Europe, including Scotland. Thus, I have chosen to use it in this fic; the cutting edge of such a scalpel is many times sharper than high-quality surgical steel. Even when examined under an electron microscope an obsidian blade is still smooth and even. One study found that obsidian produced narrower scars, fewer inflammatory cells, and less granulation tissue.
2) The songs “Twilight and Shadow” and “O Queen Beyond The Western Seas” are from: http://arwen-undomiel.com/elvish/lyrics.html Elvish :: Song Lyrics ::
Song: “Twilight and Shadow”
I ngîl cennen erthiel
Ne menel aduial,
Ha glingant be vîr
Síliel moe.
I ngîl cennen firiel
Ne menel aduial,
And-dûr naun I fuin a galad firn
Naegril moe.
An i natha
An I naun ului
A chuil, ann-cuiannen
Am meleth, perónen.
Translation:
I saw a star rise high in the
Evening sky,
It hung like a jewel,
Softly shining.
I saw a star fade in the
Evening sky,
The dark was too deep and so light died,
Softly pining.
For what might have been,
For what never was.
For a life, long lived
For a love, half given.
Song: O Queen Beyond The Western Seas (Song of the Wood Elves)
A Bereth thar Ennui Aeair!
Calad ammen i reniar
Mi 'aladhremmin ennorath.
A Elbereth Gilthoniel
I chin a thûl lín míriel...
Translation:
O Queen beyond the Western Seas!
O light to us that wander
Amid the tree-woven lands of Middle-earth.
O Elbereth Star-kindler
Your eyes and breath [are] like shining jewels...
xxxENDxxx
*****
That evening, Erestor takes up his vigil inside the healing room assigned to Legolas. Sitting at the small table, he has nearly finished transcribing the Sindarin stories and songs when he hears the youth awakening from an uneasy sleep.
“Erestor?”
The Imladris advisor crosses the room and is standing beside him. He notices that the Sindar prince is sitting up now and clearly restless.
“I was wondering if you could find the book from Doriath you mentioned once. I would like to read it.”
“I do not think I can find it, ernil.” Erestor sighs, for he knows the request to be erroneous and that there is no such book in Elrond's vast library. He does not refuse outright because he knows that Legolas' time is very short now and this is the Sinda's way of requesting privacy. Yet he feels he would be remiss if he did not make a token protest. “Perhaps in the morning, Melpomaen can search for it.”
“I would like to read it now, please.” Legolas stares tiredly at the dark-haired advisor. “I can wait no longer.”
“Very well, ernil. As you wish.” Erestor stands and pauses for a moment before opening the large glass doors. “The night is particularly warm and fine, and the stars are very bright. Perhaps a little fresh air would help you to rest. ”
“Perhaps.” Legolas' quiet voice is calm and oddly commanding.
Erestor leaves and does not look back.
Legolas waits for Erestor to leave the room and then slowly slides out of bed, breathing hard as he catches his balance. He is much weaker this time, but he has saved enough strength to make his way to the terrace and down the steps to the small garden area. Legolas pauses for a moment to catch his breath and makes his way to the great mallorn that dominates the gardens.
As he slowly lowers himself to the ground, bracing himself against the trunk, the golden leaves rustle softly in greeting, though there is no breeze. The other trees join in and soon all of the trees in Imladris are at last able to greet their kinsman. Legolas smiles and sings softly to them as they slowly part their branches so he can enjoy the starlight on his face.
I ngîl cennin erthiel
Ne menel aduial,
Ha glingant be vîr
Síliel moe.
I ngîl cennin firiel
Ne menel aduial,
And-dûr naun i fuin a galad firn
Naegril moe.
An i natha
An i naun ului
A chuil, ann-cuiannen
Am meleth, perónen.
*****
Gîlríon wakes suddenly and sits up, rubbing his eyes. He misses Ada Legolas and doesn't understand why he does not come to live with him and atto in their large suite. There is plenty of room, he thinks, and decides to go to his ada. It will be daybreak soon. Quickly he pulls on a robe and slippers, hurrying to the healing wing. But as he enters the room and peers around the curtain, he sees that his ada is not there.
Noticing the open door, Gîlríon slips quietly outside to look for his ada in the garden. Within moments, the elfling has tracked his ada to the great mallorn and sees that he is taking a nap.
“Ada? Wake up, ada.” Gîlríon leans down to shake his ada's shoulder when he notices how still and quiet his ada is. Sadly, Gîlríon sits on the ground beside his ada, resting his small head on the thin shoulder, tears slipping down his face.
Glorfindel wakes and instantly notices that Gîlríon is no longer in his cot. He hurriedly throws on a robe to go in search of him but he already knows where the elfling will be found.
“Ada is gone, atto.” Gîlríon looks up sadly.
“No, he is only asleep, Gîlríon.” Glorfindel kneels beside his son, stroking his tousled curls. “He only sleeps, ion nin.”
“No, atto. You know better.” The distressed look that Gîlríon gives his sire is curiously adult. “We both know that he is with Lord Mandos now.”
“Come away, my Gîl. We will tell Lord Elrond of this.”
“No, atto.” Gîlríon shakes his head decisively. “I will stay here. It is not right for ada to be alone now.”
Glorfindel stands quietly as his son's voice rises in song:
A Bereth thar Ennui Aeair!
Calad ammen i reniar
Mi 'aladhremmin ennorath.
A Elbereth Gilthoniel
I chin a thûl lín míriel...
*****
“Ada?”
Legolas raised his head. He was so tired... but Gîlríon must need him.
“Ion nin?”
“Hannon le, ada.”
Legolas looked up at the strange, tall elf with mithril-colored hair standing in front of him.
“I am sorry. I thought that I heard my ion calling for me.”
“You heard correctly, ada for I too, am your ion. I am Luinilassë, ada.”
“Luinilassë?” Legolas looked at him in bewilderment.
“Yes, ada.” He reached and pulled Legolas to his feet. Legolas was surprised that he stood so easily, without any pain or unsteadiness. As he looked deeply into the elf's violet-blue eyes, he slowly began to understand.
“Come with me, ada. We will rest in Estë's garden for a time.”
Legolas turned slightly, but the strong arm around his shoulder prevented him.
“No, ada. 'Tis better this way.”
“But Gîlríon ... he needs me.”
“He has your love, ada. It is more than enough for him.”
“But he is just a baby.” Legolas' eyes filled with tears and he began to shake with the effort to stop from crying. “He is too young – he will not remember.”
“My big brother will always remember you, ada. He will never forget you.”
“How can you be so certain of this?” Legolas slowly looked up, only to see that they were entering a quiet, beautiful garden and he marveled that they had been able to come so far so quickly. It was as if they had merely stepped through a gate...
“You live in his heart, ada.” Luinilassë smiled as he guided his adar to a nearby bench. “Here, sit down and rest. I know how tired you are.”
“It is very restful here, Luinilassë.” Legolas looked around curiously. It was so beautiful and quiet that Legolas knew he should be wholly at ease, yet he found that he could not seem to relax.
“But you miss Gîlríon,” his other son replied. “Why do you fight this, ada? Is it so unpleasant? In time, you will be able to see your naneth, and your brother and your grandsire as well. Don't you want to see them at last?”
“Well, yes.” Legolas frowned slightly, knowing how ungrateful he sounded and feeling ashamed of himself. “I am sorry, ion nin.”
“But you want to go back, don't you ada?” Luinilassë asked kindly.
“Yes,” Legolas replied, hanging his head low. “I know it is wrong of me, but it is so hard to let go.”
“Ada.” A strong hand gripped his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “I cannot say that I understand, for I do not. But your unhappiness is distressing to me.”
“I am sorry,” Legolas replied. “I will try to do better from now on.”
“Look at me, ada.”
Legolas looked up at his tall son, wondering what would happen now.
“You do not need to apologize, ada. You have done nothing wrong.” Luinilassë smiled gently and embraced him. “You cannot help how you feel.”
Legolas felt as if he were the child in the presence of his son. Luinilassë seemed to embody the best of all Eldar, and Legolas wondered how this could be, when he himself was so flawed.
“You are too hard in judging yourself, ada.”
“He misses me though; I can hear him crying.” Legolas' own eyes are filling with tears as he senses the pain of his little son.
“I know, ada. I know.” Luinilassë holds his ada tightly in an attempt to comfort him, but it seems that there is no comfort to be found for the Sindar prince. Sighing, Luinilassë strokes the soft blonde hair and reluctantly makes a decision. “Ada, is it truly so hard for you to accept? Do you wish to go back?”
“But I can't go back. It's not permitted.”
“You have not fully entered this realm, ada. You are still partly in Arda.”
“I am?” For the first time, Legolas looks at his second son with something akin to hope in his eyes. “Is this true?”
“Yes, ada.” Luinilassë studies his ada's hopeful expression. “There is still some very little time for you to return but things will not be the same.”
“Such as?” Despite his efforts to be calm, Legolas is curious now. “What will be different?”
“You will never be truly well again, ada. Your body is far too damaged for complete recovery to be possible. Your life must be a very quiet one of celibacy and contemplation.”
“Do you mean I will be crippled then?” The blue eyes darken with worry. “I would be nothing but a burden to the others if that is true.”
“No, ada. You will be able to move normally, within certain limits. But it will always be with great effort and much pain.” Luinilassë studied his ada's face carefully. “The idea of enforced celibacy does not bother you then?”
“Why should it?” Legolas pauses and considers this, then shrugs. He has never made any decisions regarding his sexuality; it is always been decided for him by the others and their whims. Although he has learned how to find pleasure from their touch, he can never been sure if he truly enjoyed it.
“What use will I be to anyone then?” For the first time Legolas looks concerned. “I have very little education and even if I did, Imladris has no need of a second Erestor.”
“Ada, you have always underestimated your true worth; believe me, you are well-loved by many.”
“Loved? Yes, by Gîlríon perhaps.” Legolas slumps down on the bench. “But I know what my place is and what my worth is -- I know it well -- and love has nothing to do with it.”
“Ada.” Legolas feels his son's strong arms embracing him and he turns to breathe in the clean scent of his hair. “Stay here, ada. Please. Stay with me. I need you too, ada.”
“Perhaps.” Legolas sighs, hoping he will make the right decision this time. “Perhaps.”
~~~~~
Vocabulary:
laiska (Finnish): lazy
kilmessë (Quenya): self-name (or “nickname”)
roch neth : colt
pen neth : young one
ernil : prince
“Meleth Naegra” (literally: Love causes pain) : “Love Hurts”
Name:
Luinil: name of a star (one shining with a blue light) placed in the sky by Varda. [[Luinilassë]]
Author's Notes:
1) This 'rainbow' obsidian does occur. Although obsidian is more commonly used in Mesoamerican cultures, there are obsidian deposits in Europe, including Scotland. Thus, I have chosen to use it in this fic; the cutting edge of such a scalpel is many times sharper than high-quality surgical steel. Even when examined under an electron microscope an obsidian blade is still smooth and even. One study found that obsidian produced narrower scars, fewer inflammatory cells, and less granulation tissue.
2) The songs “Twilight and Shadow” and “O Queen Beyond The Western Seas” are from: http://arwen-undomiel.com/elvish/lyrics.html Elvish :: Song Lyrics ::
Song: “Twilight and Shadow”
I ngîl cennen erthiel
Ne menel aduial,
Ha glingant be vîr
Síliel moe.
I ngîl cennen firiel
Ne menel aduial,
And-dûr naun I fuin a galad firn
Naegril moe.
An i natha
An I naun ului
A chuil, ann-cuiannen
Am meleth, perónen.
Translation:
I saw a star rise high in the
Evening sky,
It hung like a jewel,
Softly shining.
I saw a star fade in the
Evening sky,
The dark was too deep and so light died,
Softly pining.
For what might have been,
For what never was.
For a life, long lived
For a love, half given.
Song: O Queen Beyond The Western Seas (Song of the Wood Elves)
A Bereth thar Ennui Aeair!
Calad ammen i reniar
Mi 'aladhremmin ennorath.
A Elbereth Gilthoniel
I chin a thûl lín míriel...
Translation:
O Queen beyond the Western Seas!
O light to us that wander
Amid the tree-woven lands of Middle-earth.
O Elbereth Star-kindler
Your eyes and breath [are] like shining jewels...
xxxENDxxx
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-30 09:32 pm (UTC)This story is a tragedy on an epic scale. Well done - they are not easy to write, or to stay focussed on the angst throughout, as I believe the natural human reaction is to make everything better and to escape from unhappiness. However; you do not do that and this is where you succeed.
In all, a great story :D
Hugs Binky xxx
no subject
Date: 2009-05-01 03:06 pm (UTC)hugs,
Sam
no subject
Date: 2009-05-06 08:22 am (UTC)You are right, it is tragic. But there is always dignity in the quiet suffering that Legolas bore for the sake of his son.
I loved this. I wish I had read it sooner. I am wondering how I missed it on the posts.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-06 02:38 pm (UTC)I am so glad that you enjoyed this. Thank you for all of your kind words.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-10 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-10 12:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-10 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-10 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-10 01:02 pm (UTC)I know that Esteliel's later story-arc covered ground about 'his place' but I thought you opened the door on those questions and the feelings that went with the situation very effectively.
Of course, you might feel your story was about something else (I often find that with readers' comments). For me, at least, your portrayal of feelings that went with this mismatch - Legolas' experience - was the poignant focus of the story.
The language and the architecture of the story around that theme made it a finished product that to me had integrity as a story. I liked that. I found that very pleasing. And I liked the finished production you brought to it: the touch of poetry, the description of places and people, the details.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-10 04:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 08:31 am (UTC)I went ahead without reading Anestel first, and found it sad and intriguing, but it didn't make me cry. A few days later I started to devour the entire Anestel universe over the space of just a few days, and for want of chs. 65 and up of CE I have even devoured huge chunks of the AUs of that 'verse...
I read this again a couple of days ago, and again just now, and both times it has made me cry. I think it is Legolas' stillborn son being so tender and supportive toward his fragile, damaged Ada that really did me in. He has never lived in the world that crushed his sweet Ada's self-esteem, has only been carried by Legolas and then lived in Valinor; it's so interesting to me that he is wise though innocent, while his big brother because he lives here in Arda is still only a baby.
Nicely done. Thanks also for leading me to Esteliel.
Hugs,
Jackie
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 10:01 pm (UTC)hugs,
Sam