More private stuff
Mar. 5th, 2008 05:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
la_samtyrBecause this deals with issues in the Brokeback fandom, I'm putting it under a cut. Read if you want, or not. I know some people are probably sick of my ties to this topic, and I'm sorry about that. A lot of this deals with my personal life, which you might want to skip as well. Lots of rambling, too. Again, sorry.
I don't really know how or why this is happening. Ok, so I have a damn good idea but still -- it does not make sense to me. (Maybe I should just leave well enough alone but since my server has been spazzing, I'm going to go ahead and post anyway.) It only exacerbates the feeling of loss and sadness.
Why is there such a backlash? All I can think of is that it's somehow turning into an "either/or" thing; that if you like one, you are automatically excluded from liking the other. That makes no sense at all to me. But then, I never was very smart.
Some people ask if the situation were reversed, if it had been Jake who died and Heath who was left behind, would things be different? Would Heath be receiving a similar reaction?
My answer? I don't know. I'm not sure how I would react. I like to think I would have the same attitude I have attempted to hold throughout this most awful loss. I'm not always able to take the high road by any means. But I try. I honestly do try. I probably sound like some sort of plaster saint when I say things like that. So be it.
Everyone seems to have quotes they try and live up to or remember, and this is one of my particular quotes:
"For I had forgotten, from being bitter about a temporary course of his, how much I liked him and how much he needed to know he was liked. Now that there is in life no road at whose turning we could meet again, the memory of having forgotten that will always make me sad and indefinitely make me ashamed."
I make sure I read that every morning. I try to make sure I keep it in mind throughout the day. It helps me, some. But probably not enough.
As to whether I am basically a Heath or Jake "loyalist", I have no idea. Instead, I will write about my "first time" seeing a film of theirs. You can make up your own mind.(Some of this you may have already seen posted by me on other comms.)
**Heath.
I remember seeing "10 Things I Hate About You" for the very first in the theatre very well. I'd seen the ads and was debating about seeing it myself when my cousin Elle (not her real name, btw) decided that she wanted to see it. Now, my cousin has her good points but at that point in time, picking a good movie *was not* one of them. Her ability to pick the absolute suckiest movie around was something of a legend in our family -- or I should say, those of us who had been unlucky enough to get conned into seeing something with her.
So when Elle said "Let's go see *This One*!" I wanted to skip movie-going altogether; hopefully she would forget all about it. But no. Elle was determined to see it. "It's based on Shakespeare, and I know you love Shakespeare." ::eyeroll:: Oh, the joys of being an English lit major! I replied that it was much more fun to see 'Shakespeare in the Park' at which point Elle very nearly literally dragged me kicking and screaming to the theatre. We bought tickets and popcorn and as I settled into my seat, I wondered how long I'd be stuck there and hoping that the projector might decide to break down.
And then the movie started... Well. To say I loved it would be an understatement, and yes I fell totally in love with Heath. He was just so perfect that it was uncanny. I decided right there to try and keep track of him. I also knew if I admitted *liking* the film, let alone one of the actors, I would never hear the end of it from her. And that just could not be allowed to happen, y'know? No way. I mean, Elle's like my younger sister (and if you have siblings, you know where this is going, right? Right.) So the movie ended, we went outside so she could have a smoke and weirdly enough, she didn't want to go right back in and see it again. So playing it very cool, I say: "Isn't this where you say 'let's go in and see it again?'" To my shock, Elle says: "No. I couldn't understand that one guy's accent. Wasn't it weird?" No, I did not throttle her, though my fingers itched to give her a good shaking nor did I ask her if she was terminally stupid, not falling in love with Heath at first glimpse. Instead, somehow I managed to pry my jaw off the ground, I said to her "No, I thought his accent was cool." (Although she did admit to liking the soundtrack... go figure.)
So we left and that was that. Although not quite... because I went back there again, not once but several times because there was just no way I could stay away. And each time, I watched Heath, I came away more convinced than ever I was seeing someone very special on the screen. I did see Heath on the silver screen several more times (most notably Brokeback Mountain) and those were then (and remain) some of my happiest memories.
**Jake
I remember seeing him in "Donnie Darko" and "Bubble Boy" but I'm not sure which one I saw first now. I have the feeling I must have seem them fairly close together, maybe even in the theatre, but there was a Family Crisis that year and there is a lot I *don't* remember. I didn't have a blog either. But I do remember that I recognised Jake from "City Slickers" because I hadn't been that thrilled over the movie, but I had liked the geeky little boy in it, thinking that once he grew up, he'd probably be gorgeous. Geeky kids are like that sometimes you know -- it's what gives us all hope. *Anyhow* I watched him closely and I had the exact same feeling I had watching Heath -- that he was going to be very special. I know that I saw him in a few other movies as well because I usually don't pay $$ to see a first run film.
And then -- there was "Brokeback Mountain."
For the first time, I truly, *genuinely* understood what was meant by an epiphany -- or in everyday language, a moment of clarity. (If you know me at all, you will understand why this was so. If not, I'll never be able to explain it to you.) I don't know if I would have felt this way about the movie if there had been any other lead actors cast as Ennis and Jack. All I can say is that I watched them and I realised that Ennis (Heath) "fed" off of Jack's (Jake's) energy, and vice versa. They are forever linked in my mind and heart now and nothing will ever change that. (If I ever was a particular fan of one before, I no longer remember which one it was now.) So for me to choose one now... I can't do it. I just can't do it.
Which tends to lead back to the question -- what would Heath do if the situation were reversed? I have absolutely no idea. I never met him, nor do I know any of his immediate family (obviously, the same is true when speaking of Jake.) But given Heath's penchant for privacy, and how he hated interviews, I think he would have remained silent, much as Jake has done. I think he would have buried himself in his work and struggled to present a 'normal' face to the press, so they could not use his grief to sell more headlines -- much as Jake has done. I for one have no wish to see tabloid headlines such as: "The 'Real' Love Story of Brokeback Mountain", "Actor Consumed By Grief: I Lost My Soulmate", "Life Imitates Art -- Brokeback Mountain Brought Them Together, Hollywood Tore Them Apart" and others of that ilk. Is that really the legacy we want to see? Because I feel over 98% certain that is almost exactly what will happen the minute Jake says *anything* about Heath. To me, his silence is more eloquent for Heath's loss than any words could be.
Also: if Jake had died first, would he now suddenly become known as a partier and secret wild man? Probably. All you have to do is look for pics from the 2006 Oscar after-party, or find the ones of him and Austin at the basketball game for starters. I feel certain there are probably other things out there that could be slanted -- as the infamous Heath video was -- to showcase him in the worst possible light. All it takes is a little clever editing and voila!
Where is this going? I have no clue. I am simply presenting my point-of-view because as I see it, no-one is going to win at this. It is a zero-sum game. All we will do is lose. And isn't that just the height of irony -- to now play into the hands of the conservative right?
I don't really know how or why this is happening. Ok, so I have a damn good idea but still -- it does not make sense to me. (Maybe I should just leave well enough alone but since my server has been spazzing, I'm going to go ahead and post anyway.) It only exacerbates the feeling of loss and sadness.
Why is there such a backlash? All I can think of is that it's somehow turning into an "either/or" thing; that if you like one, you are automatically excluded from liking the other. That makes no sense at all to me. But then, I never was very smart.
Some people ask if the situation were reversed, if it had been Jake who died and Heath who was left behind, would things be different? Would Heath be receiving a similar reaction?
My answer? I don't know. I'm not sure how I would react. I like to think I would have the same attitude I have attempted to hold throughout this most awful loss. I'm not always able to take the high road by any means. But I try. I honestly do try. I probably sound like some sort of plaster saint when I say things like that. So be it.
Everyone seems to have quotes they try and live up to or remember, and this is one of my particular quotes:
"For I had forgotten, from being bitter about a temporary course of his, how much I liked him and how much he needed to know he was liked. Now that there is in life no road at whose turning we could meet again, the memory of having forgotten that will always make me sad and indefinitely make me ashamed."
I make sure I read that every morning. I try to make sure I keep it in mind throughout the day. It helps me, some. But probably not enough.
As to whether I am basically a Heath or Jake "loyalist", I have no idea. Instead, I will write about my "first time" seeing a film of theirs. You can make up your own mind.(Some of this you may have already seen posted by me on other comms.)
**Heath.
I remember seeing "10 Things I Hate About You" for the very first in the theatre very well. I'd seen the ads and was debating about seeing it myself when my cousin Elle (not her real name, btw) decided that she wanted to see it. Now, my cousin has her good points but at that point in time, picking a good movie *was not* one of them. Her ability to pick the absolute suckiest movie around was something of a legend in our family -- or I should say, those of us who had been unlucky enough to get conned into seeing something with her.
So when Elle said "Let's go see *This One*!" I wanted to skip movie-going altogether; hopefully she would forget all about it. But no. Elle was determined to see it. "It's based on Shakespeare, and I know you love Shakespeare." ::eyeroll:: Oh, the joys of being an English lit major! I replied that it was much more fun to see 'Shakespeare in the Park' at which point Elle very nearly literally dragged me kicking and screaming to the theatre. We bought tickets and popcorn and as I settled into my seat, I wondered how long I'd be stuck there and hoping that the projector might decide to break down.
And then the movie started... Well. To say I loved it would be an understatement, and yes I fell totally in love with Heath. He was just so perfect that it was uncanny. I decided right there to try and keep track of him. I also knew if I admitted *liking* the film, let alone one of the actors, I would never hear the end of it from her. And that just could not be allowed to happen, y'know? No way. I mean, Elle's like my younger sister (and if you have siblings, you know where this is going, right? Right.) So the movie ended, we went outside so she could have a smoke and weirdly enough, she didn't want to go right back in and see it again. So playing it very cool, I say: "Isn't this where you say 'let's go in and see it again?'" To my shock, Elle says: "No. I couldn't understand that one guy's accent. Wasn't it weird?" No, I did not throttle her, though my fingers itched to give her a good shaking nor did I ask her if she was terminally stupid, not falling in love with Heath at first glimpse. Instead, somehow I managed to pry my jaw off the ground, I said to her "No, I thought his accent was cool." (Although she did admit to liking the soundtrack... go figure.)
So we left and that was that. Although not quite... because I went back there again, not once but several times because there was just no way I could stay away. And each time, I watched Heath, I came away more convinced than ever I was seeing someone very special on the screen. I did see Heath on the silver screen several more times (most notably Brokeback Mountain) and those were then (and remain) some of my happiest memories.
**Jake
I remember seeing him in "Donnie Darko" and "Bubble Boy" but I'm not sure which one I saw first now. I have the feeling I must have seem them fairly close together, maybe even in the theatre, but there was a Family Crisis that year and there is a lot I *don't* remember. I didn't have a blog either. But I do remember that I recognised Jake from "City Slickers" because I hadn't been that thrilled over the movie, but I had liked the geeky little boy in it, thinking that once he grew up, he'd probably be gorgeous. Geeky kids are like that sometimes you know -- it's what gives us all hope. *Anyhow* I watched him closely and I had the exact same feeling I had watching Heath -- that he was going to be very special. I know that I saw him in a few other movies as well because I usually don't pay $$ to see a first run film.
And then -- there was "Brokeback Mountain."
For the first time, I truly, *genuinely* understood what was meant by an epiphany -- or in everyday language, a moment of clarity. (If you know me at all, you will understand why this was so. If not, I'll never be able to explain it to you.) I don't know if I would have felt this way about the movie if there had been any other lead actors cast as Ennis and Jack. All I can say is that I watched them and I realised that Ennis (Heath) "fed" off of Jack's (Jake's) energy, and vice versa. They are forever linked in my mind and heart now and nothing will ever change that. (If I ever was a particular fan of one before, I no longer remember which one it was now.) So for me to choose one now... I can't do it. I just can't do it.
Which tends to lead back to the question -- what would Heath do if the situation were reversed? I have absolutely no idea. I never met him, nor do I know any of his immediate family (obviously, the same is true when speaking of Jake.) But given Heath's penchant for privacy, and how he hated interviews, I think he would have remained silent, much as Jake has done. I think he would have buried himself in his work and struggled to present a 'normal' face to the press, so they could not use his grief to sell more headlines -- much as Jake has done. I for one have no wish to see tabloid headlines such as: "The 'Real' Love Story of Brokeback Mountain", "Actor Consumed By Grief: I Lost My Soulmate", "Life Imitates Art -- Brokeback Mountain Brought Them Together, Hollywood Tore Them Apart" and others of that ilk. Is that really the legacy we want to see? Because I feel over 98% certain that is almost exactly what will happen the minute Jake says *anything* about Heath. To me, his silence is more eloquent for Heath's loss than any words could be.
Also: if Jake had died first, would he now suddenly become known as a partier and secret wild man? Probably. All you have to do is look for pics from the 2006 Oscar after-party, or find the ones of him and Austin at the basketball game for starters. I feel certain there are probably other things out there that could be slanted -- as the infamous Heath video was -- to showcase him in the worst possible light. All it takes is a little clever editing and voila!
Where is this going? I have no clue. I am simply presenting my point-of-view because as I see it, no-one is going to win at this. It is a zero-sum game. All we will do is lose. And isn't that just the height of irony -- to now play into the hands of the conservative right?
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 02:33 am (UTC)It is bitterly ironic that one of the greatest love stories ever told has a fandom being torn apart by hate. One could laugh were it not so sad.
Tes
PS Love the quote - who said it?
no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 03:58 am (UTC)